Why Do Positive Social Gestures Leave Me Feeling Sad?

Reader’s Question

I’m a 34-year-old who’s had this issue for a long time but more so over the past 5 years. Whenever someone does something thoughtful toward me, whether it be as simple as taking the time to e-mail me a picture of a pretty sunset, or asking me to hang out with them, or telling me they care about me, or demonstrating any type of affection toward me, I feel instantly sad or “down” when their gesture should rightfully make me feel happy or at least grateful. My abnormal reaction to friendly gestures makes me feel like I lack the ability to make normal emotional connections with friends. As a result, over the years I have ended up very depressed and socially isolated.

I’m just now working to recover; I’ve read a depression self-help book and do the exercises. I’m also reading a social anxiety book to try to be more socially active despite the anxiety and crossed feelings of sadness I experience to situations that should make me happy. I desperately want to experience joy in such things as making real emotional connections with people, but I just can’t seem to do so. I feel guilty and selfish for purposely seeking out people to talk to or socialize with. This is primarily because I know that I’m trying to overcome my social anxiety when I engage with them, as opposed to really enjoying a genuine fondness for them.

I know I’m telling you only one aspect of myself and that it’s not possible for you to diagnose a situation based on just this information, but can you offer me a place to start looking for some answers? If it’s low self-esteem, how do I work on correcting this? Thank you for your time.

Psychologist’s Reply

There are so many possibilities that might help explain your predicament, it would be impossible to list them all. You might have some Asperger-like traits that predispose you to negatively respond to situations in which emotions are expressed or the prospect of intimacy is faced. You also might have some negative associations to the types of situations you describe, associations that are rooted in your past but about which you are not conscious. It’s also possible that your unusual response is a defense against the anxiety and depression you’ve struggled with for so long. You might also be the kind of person who inwardly doesn’t feel “deserving” of the goodwill you receive from others. It does seem that you are rather hard on yourself, chiding yourself for making contact with others for the “selfish” purpose of overcoming your depression and anxiety. From what you’ve said, you don’t seem to be a guy who thinks he “deserves” very much.

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You’re right about the impossibility of making an accurate assessment based just on the information you’ve provided. But all that you’ve talked about would make great fodder for psychotherapy. So, however you have been “treating” your anxiety and depression, it might be a really good idea to do some needed self-exploration in therapy. In a traditional psychotherapeutic relationship, all clients bring or “transfer” into each session the unhealthy dynamics they experience in the real world. Then, it’s up to the therapist to help “interpret” those dynamics as a way of helping bring to light what’s obstructing the intimacy you desire. Self-help definitely has it’s place, but for you, especially given the tendencies you report that you have, it’s not likely to be as helpful as a trusting therapeutic relationship.

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