Am I Depressed or Going Mad?

Reader’s Question

I’m a 27-year-old female and lately I feel like I’m going crazy or out of my mind.

I didn’t get the best start in my life, and things have been bad for awhile. I lost my step-dad to cancer and a stroke at age 13. He was like a real dad to me and I took care of him before he died. I rarely visited my real dad because my step mum was so nasty to me (e.g., making me sit for hours drinking tea that was making me half sick, weighing me all the time and telling me I was fat, that I was destined to be a bin man, etc.). I tried to get on with life after my step-dad died but got pregnant at age 16. I had an abortion even though I was 16 weeks gone and regretted it so much that a year later I deliberately got pregnant again. This time I lost the baby at 15 weeks. Sometimes I still see its body when I close my eyes. I got pregnant again at 19 and had the baby at 26 weeks. She died at only 6 days old, and I feel guilty because I learned that having my abortion might have caused me to deliver her so early.

I split up with the man I had my baby with and moved in very fast with another guy. I came home late one night, and he accused me of cheating, which I wasn’t. He made me sleep on the floor, and when I went to turn on the light, he came over and beat me up very badly and broke my ribs. Three years later, I got married to a man who started throwing things when I told him I was tired and didn’t want to have sex just then on our honeymoon. Years later he turned so nasty that he came after me with a knife one time, threatening to kill me, and I had to call 999. He promised to take anger management classes, so I stood by him. My counselor told me I needed to get away from him because my situation would become worse, but I didn’t listen. Things got so bad that I eventually had to get a court injunction. One night after I got back from a walk outside, he had changed the locks and thrown our dogs out. I was put into a safe house after a nasty voicemail from him that he would kill me. I lived in the safe house for several months and finally went out on a few dates with a man until I found out he had been to prison for domestic abuse! So, I’ve been here for 8 months now, and it’s all starting to hit me about how my life has been. I’m beginning to wonder if maybe I haven’t done something bad to have had all this stuff happen to me. I’m not taking any medication. I’m not working and I sleep all the time. I don’t feel strong. I’ve also found out that my fallopian tubes are blocked, and the only way I’ll be able to have children is to have in vitro fertilization, so I also now worry that I’m not meant to have children. I feel horrible. Am I going mad?

Psychologist’s Reply

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(Please read our important explanation below.)

You indicate that you were once working with a therapist or counselor. It’s important that you continue to do so. And, there are definitely signs that you are depressed — e.g., sleeping a lot, feeling consumed with guilt, having a pessimistic outlook, etc. But at least for the past several months you appear to have gotten away from the terrible vicious cycle you were in.

You are probably not going mad, but many would consider it madness if you jumped right back into some patterns of behavior before giving yourself a chance to heal. Sometimes, when people experience trauma, their thinking becomes clouded and their emotions more volatile. When we’re not thinking clearly and are distraught, we don’t make good decisions, often inviting even more trauma. It’s a vicious cycle that can be devastating. Your time in the safe house has given you a chance to step back, get out of the cycle for awhile, and to heal. TAKE THIS CHANCE. Don’t be in such a hurry to date, have children, or any of the other things that appear to be still inordinately high on your list of priorities. Your first priority should be your own welfare and that most especially includes your mental and emotional health. Take the time to address all of the many issues that you’ve avoided for so long. You are still young and there is time. When you’re no longer depressed and when your thinking is clearer, you’ll be much better able to fulfill some of the wants you have for a relationship, family, and career.

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