Why Do I Push Every Guy Away: Trust Issues Years After Abuse

Reader’s Question

I’m 26 years old, and I was sexually abused when I was 10. My abuser was my brother’s best mate whom my mum had taken in. The day after it happened, he robbed our house, and we have never seen him again.

Although I’ve never really told too many others what happened, I’ve lived with what happened and gone through broken relationship after broken relationship because of it. I get to the point in a relationship where there’s any reason to mistrust or face the fear of being hurt, and I start putting the barriers up. I go emotionally numb and cold and end up pushing the guys away, even if they bear no responsibility.

I used to think my relationships ended because my gut feeling was rightfully telling me the guys just weren’t right for me. But I realize that I was picking on all sorts of little things until I pushed each one of them completely out of my life. So now I believe it’s my past that has had an effect on my life. My latest ex was such a beautiful person inside and out, and I believe he would never hurt me and did everything he could to make me happy. Still, I got to a point where I’d pull away whenever he would touch me. I felt that way after sleeping with him.

I even did the same thing to my father. I had all this anger built up, and I put him right at the firing line. I’m not sure if I resented him for the things that happened, because in the back of my mind I’d always believed that my abuse would never have happened if mum and dad hadn’t split when I was three. Plus my mum had so many boyfriends who weren’t the nicest to me: one used to lock me in my room, and once I got sick from my breakfast and he made me eat it.

I try to forget the past and remind myself that not all guys are bad. But I do the same thing over and over, and now I’m scared of growing up old and lonely. I really want to get this sorted out so I can move forward and finally understand why I’m pushing every guy I love away.

Psychologist’s Reply

You actually already seem to have a great deal of insight. But when it comes to dealing with the after-effects of significant emotional trauma, insight is not usually enough. You need to visit with a trauma-survivor specialist and acquire the skills to overcome your post-traumatic stress. There are therapists who not only specialize in post-traumatic stress treatment, but who also have particular expertise in the area of sexual and emotional abuse and trauma.

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You should be forewarned that a lot of the trust issues you have can possibly surface in your therapy as well, prompting you to find reasons to mistrust and to distance yourself from your therapist and the efforts she or he might be making to assist you. But if you stick with it and work the issues through, you can face and overcome the scars that you’re aware are interfering with your ability to have the kind of relationship for which you yearn.

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