25 Years Later, Dad’s Relapsed and Up to His Old Tricks

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Reader’s Question

Before I ask my question, I want to say thank you so much for all the help and articles you’ve posted. I found your site over a year ago when I was trying to help my girlfriend with some “father” issues. I never thought I would be submitting a question myself. Thank you again for all your help.

My dad beat a meth addiction when I was born, I’m 25 now, and he’s had 25 years of sobriety. He was a good dad, and I had a regular, healthy childhood because of it.

A month ago my dad called me from a rehab to tell me that he relapsed on prescription pills that he was prescribed for a back injury. Also he was no longer allowed within 50 feet of his girlfriend whom he lived with. I talked to his girlfriend, and she told me all the things he had been doing — including forging checks, lying, stealing, and other behaviors typical of drug addicts. It was hard to believe all this could be caused by just prescription medication.

I’ve been talking to my dad off and on, but it is getting harder and harder to do. All he does is blame the people around him for not helping sooner. He calls his ex-girlfriend crazy, which she isn’t. On our last phone call, he told me a doctor suspects a brain tumor might have been causing his erratic behavior as well as memory loss. He also asked to borrow money from me. I’m 98% sure the brain tumor is a lie, which is scary because he’s not usually a liar about such things.

I’m having a really difficult time figuring out what to do. My current job has given me the opportunity of a lifetime but will likely dominate the next six months of my life, maybe more. It’s really hard to not shut my dad out. But there’s also nothing I can say to get through to him. I have tried. He’s been text messaging me, and I’ve been ignoring the texts. I don’t know why he won’t simply call instead of relying on texts, unless there’s some manipulative purpose. It feels like he doesn’t really want to talk to me but rather to tell me lies and get money from me. I can’t work without thinking about the whole situation every minute. I need some advice.

Psychologist’s Reply

It’s not reasonable for your dad to expect you to trust him now that he’s violated the trust of those who love him and hasn’t done nearly enough yet to earn that trust back. And, as you know, when people are in the throes of their addictions, they are not the same people anymore, so carrying on relationships with them can be quite challenging. The thing to be the most careful about, however, is not to let his addiction govern your life (this is the true meaning of co-dependency). Don’t make his issues your issues. His denial about the reality of his circumstances is his challenge to overcome. And only he can renew his commitment to a sobriety maintenance regimen. If you love him, you’ll be there for him when he truly needs you, but you won’t “enable” him. To the best of your ability, seek reliable third party verification of his circumstances. Then help as you can and as you deem legitimate and appropriate. And above all, don’t feel guilty about making him earn your trust back. That’s his responsibility, too. And if he’s truly in the process of a genuine recovery, he’ll be okay with that.

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