Marriage Lasted 4 Months Before Separation

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Reader’s Question

My wife and I dated for about a year and a half before we got married. After we got married, things changed. Within 4 months, we separated. If you ask her, I was too jealous and insecure. If you ask me, I didn’t like her spending time with her guy friends who were single and not making any time for me.

My thing is, I can think of a lot of reasons why I am better off without her. I can think of a few reasons why I would take her back. She has made it pretty clear to me the trust factor has already been broken and that it can’t be restored. We both are at fault and both have done things to question our trusting each other. I can honestly say I have never cheated on her with another woman. She would not agree to any counseling.

I have read many articles about how to deal with a breakup and I need to “just deal with it and go on with my life”. I’ve tried numerous things. I’ve taken up new activities. I have gotten rid of everything that reminds me of her, I moved into a new apartment, I have gone on with my life. I realized I can live without her, and I am fine without her — so why is it that after 7 months, I still miss her horribly? I have even dated and for some reason, I still compare every woman I date to her. Why do I do this? Am I just not over her yet? If not, how do I get over her? I think the biggest thing is I am still hoping that she will see that she is wrong for wanting to spend time with her single guy friends while she is married to me. I don’t have an issue with her friends, but when they become more of a priority than me, that’s where I do have an issue.

Psychologist’s Reply

Your questions are valid. Why did she choose to spend her time with other men rather than you? Why are you seemingly still pining for her? Why do you still care whether she realizes or not wether it is right or wrong for her to hang out with her guy buddies? These are all legitimate questions that I would ask you to ask yourself first though. Why do YOU think she preferred to be with her male buddies rather than you? Also, why weren’t you invited to join this platonic powwow? I suppose this is one of the things that struck me when I first read your question. Being married includes the idea that you have made a decision to put your spouse before all others. For you not to have been invited to “hang out” with her male buddies makes it a bit suspicious at the very least. Now, if you were invited and you opted out, what was your reasoning there?

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All of these questions though still don’t explain why you are still missing her. Maybe you were genuinely in love with her, and you are taking longer to get over this relationship than you previously believed. It could be that you regret not having had more effective communication with her, and in turn, want to keep the marriage afloat. Even though the first couple of years are the “honeymoon” years, there are many issues that need to be ironed out for most couples. How much time spent apart will often reflect the priorities of the spouse in question. You may have appeared insecure in her eyes, but in all honesty, what newly wed man would feel 100% comfortable with his new bride spending hours around other single men — without him there? You seem quite justified in separating, if it is true that she was less than willing to seek help for this basic disagreement.

The old saying, “Time heals all wounds” seems appropriate here. I would suggest continuing to date other women, maybe take up a new hobby after work, so you aren’t at home thinking about what could have been with her. Also, I think it would be productive to get clear on what qualities you would like your next partner to demonstrate. Honestly, there are many things that may have pointed to the ultimate demise in this marriage, but now that you are more experienced and wiser, you may be able to heed red flags as they pop up.

Hang in there. Eventually you will meet someone whom you enjoy spending time with, and hopefully she will enjoy your company above all others, too. While you are at it, you may want to get a pet from one of the local animal shelters. The unconditional love of a pet is unparalleled. And, you just may meet some great new potential girlfriend at the dog park!

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