Can Boyfriend’s Anger Problem Be Fixed With Therapy?

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Reader’s Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He has a 5-year-old son from a previous relationship.

My boyfriend has extreme anger issues. He also has zero patience. He can go from 0-60 in seconds over nothing. He is not physical with his anger, but he yells and curses a lot. It is becoming a real problem with his son. We all feel we have to walk on eggshells around him. He also has road rage. To sum things up, he does not have any patience and is filled with anger.

My question is is this: is his problem something that can be fixed or modified with therapy? Or is this just the way he is and I have to take it or leave it? I have learned that his mom was abusive when he was a toddler, and his father was aggressive and angry toward his mother while growing up. However he does not remember any of this, and his mother has told me he has no awareness of it. According to my boyfriend and his younger sibling, their childhood is “blocked” and they don’t have many memories. He is now 28 and she is 23. So, I’m really wondering if this can be fixed with therapy, because he admits he has a problem and is looking for answers.

Psychologist’s Reply

Some therapists are well-trained in current methods for helping folks manage anger and control aggression (including non-physical, verbal, emotional aggression). So, pursuing appropriate therapy is definitely a wise choice. And your willingness to be understanding and to offer support are noble personal characteristics. But it is extremely important to be careful not to take “ownership” of this problem. Regardless of the level of your boyfriend’s awareness of any contributing factors to it, this anger problem his — and it’s up to him to seek the necessary help to resolve it and to follow through with any program the therapist provides him to manage his anger. In the meantime, you must set some firm limits and expectations regarding his behavior.

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