Should I Help My Ex-Husband Father Another Child?

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Reader’s Question

I’ve been divorced from my ex-husband about two and a half years now. We have a cordial relationship, but sometimes it gets out of hand. We had two beautiful young boys together, which is the main reason why I haven’t completely moved on. I still see my ex, and we sleep together occasionally, even though he continues to date. He has basically moved on with his life, but I haven’t.

My ex recently told me that he wants to have a baby girl. He said that he doesn’t know who he’ll try to have the child with, but he is currently looking. This has sparked many emotions with me. I worry that he won’t have as much time for our boys once he has another child, and I worry that he won’t be able to give me and the boys financial assistance. I am on his medical plan, together with the children, but that would change with a new baby and mother. So, now I’m wondering whether I should offer to bear his child. Sounds crazy, right? But at least my children wouldn’t be competing with a sibling who doesn’t stay with them. I know they would love to have a sister, but if the sister were from another mother, it would be confusing for them. My oldest always draws pictures of me and his dad getting married, and I know he really wants us to be together. What do I do? Do I tell him I want to bear his child again, or am I too emotionally confused right now to be making such a decision?

Psychologist’s Reply

You left out the distinct possibility that you might end up conceiving another son by this man, leaving him unsatisfied in his desire to have a daughter. Then what? Also, neither one of you seems to be thinking all that seriously about the children you do have.

You are probably right that you have too many unresolved emotions regarding your relationship with this man. And you don’t seem to have a sense of your own security, especially financially. It’s probably a good idea for you to seek some counseling before you make a decision that could have some very serious consequences.

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