Early Midlife Crisis or Drinking Problem for Soon-to-Be Father?

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Reader’s Question

After a few years of dating, my husband and I were married 18 months ago. We began looking for a home to purchase and got very serious about it near our one-year anniversary. We also decided to try to get pregnant once the keys to our home were handed to us. We actually started trying before moving in, and after only four weeks we found out I was pregnant! We were absolutely ecstatic about the pregnancy and the new home. I was eight weeks pregnant when we moved in.

After a few months, however, my husband started drinking a lot. He has always been a fan of beer on the weekends, to celebrate an event or to simply recover from a bad day. But he began drinking until he was drunk more and more until his weekly average was at least 4 times higher. He also started smoking again, which he has not done in two years.

I know my husband is having a hard time turning 28, and it’s only human to for him to have some anxiety over a major life changing event like having a wife, home, and a child. He has made comments like “the fun is over,” referring to life after we become parents and how he will need to change his drinking habits at that time. We talked A LOT about the decision to have a child, and he was the one who made the final decision to start trying when we purchased a new home. I’m trying not to nag or be upset with him for his drinking because I don’t think it will help. We talk about it quite a bit, and I even kept a tally on the calendar to show him that this is borderline out of hand, but he doesn’t want to engage in that conversation.

I don’t know if this matters, but we never fight and he is not an angry drunk but instead a mellow, friendly, social, happy guy. Should I be concerned that he is becoming resentful of our unborn child and drinking so much? Is this some kind of mid-life crisis that simply came early, or is it something else? Should I let him get through this as he deems necessary, which is apparently self-medicating with a lot of beer? I’m seven months pregnant and completely confused about why my future child’s father seems to be freaking out.

Psychologist’s Reply

You might want to consider what many experts have to say about the common “triggers” that can prompt a person who struggles with addiction tendencies (e.g., smoking, drinking to excess) to resume or initiate a problem substance use pattern:

Major life changes.
Significant changes in one’s economic situation, environment, relationship status, etc. can all engender significant stress.
A change in routine.
Sometimes engaging in old and familiar behaviors, even though they might be counterproductive or harmful, can restore a sense of stability, predictability, and control (albeit a distorted sense of these).
A change in emotional/psychological state.
A rise in anxiety, change in mood, and increased emotional turmoil can often prompt the maladaptive use of mood-altering substances.
The inability or unwillingness to face and deal with problems directly.
Sometimes the use of substances can be a “refuge” from the stress of dealing with important issues too overwhelming to face directly.
A change in important relationships.
Sometimes finding oneself in a new role or seeing a partner in a new light can create a sense of uncertainty and apprehension about a relationship. This can often be a trigger for maladaptive substance use.

Of course it’s always best to address concerns about a disturbing pattern directly and before problems escalate and the pattern becomes more ingrained. So, it would probably be a good idea to visit a counselor, especially one versed in the relevant issues, and secure a thorough assessment.

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