How to Support Boyfriend Now That His Divorce is Final

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Reader’s Question

My boyfriend’s divorce was finalized yesterday. He and his ex had been separated for almost two years, and we have been dating for nearly one year. I know that he loves me and is relieved that the ordeal of his divorce is finally over. However, he seems a little depressed and anxious now. I realize that any divorce is a major life change and it’s probably natural for him to feel this way.

I wonder what I can do to help him deal with things. I know he has to go through his own healing process, but it’s hard to sit idly by and to see him struggling. I don’t want to intrude where I shouldn’t, but I’m having a hard time determining exactly where the boundaries are.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Psychologist’s Reply

Relationship experts have identified some common issues that appear to surface after a divorce. Some of these include:

Self-doubt
After a divorce, a partner can begin to doubt their ability to establish and maintain the kind of relationship for which they yearn.
Ambivalence
Mixed feelings about the failure of the former relationship are quite normal. Remembering the good times as well as the bad can create a type of cognitive “dissonance” that must be resolved.
Anxiety about the future
Giving your heart away and then experiencing the heartache of divorce can lead to feelings of apprehension about allowing oneself to be emotionally vulnerable again.
Loss of confidence and direction
Some individuals, men in particular, find themselves feeling lost and unsure of themselves following the termination of a relationship, especially one that endured for some time.
Depression
Statistics show that the old stereotype that men simply ditch their wives for new (and younger) mates is just that — a stereotype. Most men report that divorce turned out to be emotionally harder on them than they ever anticipated, and some men experience significant levels of depression in connection with their losses.

According to the experts, the most important things you can offer your boyfriend are solid support and constancy. That will help re-establish a sense of stability. And, if you notice the signs that he might be depressed (e.g., change in social interaction pattern, change in eating or sleeping habits, loss of pleasure in usually coveted activities, etc.), by all means encourage him to get professional help and support.

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