Ex-Husband’s Feelings for First Ex-Wife Thwarting Our Reconciliation
Reader’s Question
My ex-husband and I have gotten back together after 4 1/2 years of separation. Things were going really well until I found out he was still talking to his first ex-wife. They have not be together for over 40 years. I asked him directly, and he lied, saying that he had not called her. But I had a strong feeling something was going on and found out the truth after looking at the call log on his phone.
My ex and I were married over 30 years, and I know that during that time his first ex-wife tried several times to get him to come back to her. I feel there is a lot of unfinished business between the two of them. I ask him what his feelings are for her, and he tells me that he loves her but only because she is the mother of his children. But it seems to me that his explanation doesn’t explain the feelings he still has for someone from whom he has been divorced for over 40 years. I understand there will always be some kind of connection, because he and I also have children together.
I have told my ex that if he really loves his first ex-wife then he needs to be with her. Life is too short not to be with the one you really love. But then he only asks me “Who am I with?” and I have to acknowledge that he is with me. But he still wants to stay in contact with her, which to me says he still has feelings for her.
Should I let it this issue go? Should I call his first ex-wife? I am in a dilemma. I want to trust him, and I want him to trust me. But I don’t want the spirit of another woman occupying a place in my bed.
Psychologist’s Reply
You indicate that you are divorced from your ex-husband, although you have re-united after a period of just over 4 years. This at leasts suggests that there were “issues” needing resolving between you both long before you became aware that your ex-husband had contacted his first ex-wife. It would seem that those issues, whatever they might be, should take priority over any other issues needing attention.
Relationships that endure are based in trust and mutual regard. It would seem that not only are there trust issues to address with regard to your ex-husband’s relationship with his first ex-wife, but also with regard to your feelings about matters.
Perhaps you are already working with a counselor or therapist on the important issues. If not, it might be very worth your consideration. Sometimes, patterns emerge in relationships to which both parties are blind, and these patterns can eventually cause the demise of a partnership that’s lasted as long as 30 or 40 years.
As you try to work things out, do your best to keep your focus on the issues that truly matter to you the most.
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