Boyfriend Says Bringing Up Marriage is Too Much “Pressure”

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Reader’s Question

I am 27 years old. I have been dating my boyfriend for eight years, and we have been living together for about five years now. I am desperate to get married and have a family. But if I even bring up the subject of marriage, my boyfriend says I am putting too much pressure on him.

I love my boyfriend and want to settle down with him. But I just don’t know If I can keep waiting for something to happen. Am I wise to put my life on hold for him?

Psychologist’s Reply

You indicate that you have been in this relationship for 8 years now and that you have been living together for 5 years. This is plenty of time for a couple to know whether or not they want to commit to one another and build a family.

There may be several unspoken issues at work here. For example, your boyfriend might be convinced that you are the partner he wants for life but he might not yet want a family. Another possibility, of course, is that he wants all the benefits of a committed relationship (living together, shared expenses, readily available sex, etc.) without actually making a commitment. The possibilities here are many. So, it’s about time that the issues got nailed down.

You might want to involve a counselor in your effort to sort through the necessary issues here. But in the end, you’re going to face some tough decisions that only you can make on your own. You asked whether it is wise for you to put your life “on hold” waiting for your boyfriend to commit. It’s your life, and you’re the only one who can decide how you want to live it and what things it would take in your life to fulfill it. Take the time to sort through your wants, needs, and feelings. Use the help of a counselor if you wish, but take charge of your life and don’t place it in limbo because of the whims of another.

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