Behavior Problems as a Teen — Just Youthful Indiscretions or a Sign of Relationship Trouble to Come?

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Reader’s Question

I am in love with someone who is incredibly amazing. I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but they are everything I could ask for and, of course, in my eyes they are perfect. But I’m having this horrible trouble reconciling some things. I am someone who is powerfully against any form of drug use (whether done through curiosity, rebellion, peer pressure, etc.), underage drinking, and especially getting drunk underage, and getting into any form of serious trouble.

The person I love does not behave like this now, and understands the decisions they made in the past were poor and stupid. I feel this should be enough for me to let go of my uncertainties, but I cannot stop thinking about their past and how upset I get about it. I don’t understand why I still feel so upset still or exactly what ‘kind’ of ‘upset’ I’m feeling.

This trouble I’m having with this person’s past does not change my love for them. But I feel almost hurt and/or betrayed by the fact that their past involved a period in which they: did pot, took pills, got drunk, and received a citation for minor drinking while in a vehicle. I also should note that this person does not feel strongly like I do about how unacceptable such behaviors are for minors.

Please note that I trust this person now more than anyone else in my life, and I am 100% certain they will never do those foolish things again. We both have talked about this feeling I’m having several times and are both confused. It’s just that when I picture them making all those poor decisions and actually picturing them being drunk or high is when I hurt very badly.

Psychologist’s Reply

Although many adults with serious behavior and adjustment issues first evidenced their problems as minors, most young people do not continue their youthful indiscretions into adulthood. So, the mere fact that these indiscretions occurred is not necessarily an indicator of future problems. Indeed, you indicate that this person has perhaps come to see the error of their ways.

There appears to be another issue causing you some concern, however. That issue has to do with the attitudinal difference between you and this other person with respect to the issue of these misbehaviors. You seem to hold the value that there is no excuse for these behaviors and that they should be regarded negatively, period, and at any age. The other person, however, appears more tolerant and accepting of these behaviors in a young person, possibly regarding them more as youthful indiscretions that are fairly commonplace and which time and maturity will correct. This suggests that you do not both share the exact same value system or level of tolerance (and, of course, it would be quite rare if you did). So, there appears some need for you to have a healthy discussion on these issues because the values you both hold will likely endure throughout your relationship.

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