My Father Had an Affair With My Cousin

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Reader’s Question

I have been having a horrible time with my cheating father. He started cheating on my mom when I was only seven, and my mom never said a word. The first time we the children (four of us) found out about his cheating was when I was 15 (I’m now 22), but my mom kept us out of things. My mom and I are very close friends, and she always told me that things simply were the way they were, and she did her best to make things work. I heard my dad say that he didn’t want any of us kids, but I just cried and kept loving him anyway because he was a good father to us. Because I was the eldest daughter, I always tried my best to keep everyone else from knowing about his cheating.

Lately, however, it seems like my dad has no shame at all and he’s actually cheating on my mom with my cousin of all people! I got so mad when I found out that I couldn’t even tell him to stop it directly. So, I called both my aunt, who knew all about it, and my cousin and let them have it. Then my dad called me threatening that he will ruin my life and my relationship with my fiancé. I told him all the things I knew but kept quiet about for all these many years. He only kept swearing at me and threatening me, and then he told my mother that he would never consider me his daughter anymore unless I apologized to my aunt and cousin.

I don’t to apologize to my aunt and cousin because they ruined my mother’s life, even though they are her own sister and niece. And I don’t regret confronting my father or pissing him off because he’s been nothing but a cheater his whole life. Still, I love him so much, and I’m getting married in 2 months. So, I’ve been trying to communicate with him. I’ve sent him messages, but he won’t reply.

I don’t know what to do now and need some help.

Psychologist’s Reply

Your situation sounds very complicated indeed, and it’s impossible to give accurate advice. But there are some things you might want to seriously consider. Given the circumstances, it’s pretty clear that your biggest issue is not primarily with your mother, aunt, cousin, or anyone else in your family. Your feelings of embarrassment and betrayal involve your father and his behavior. Yet you admit that because you are torn because of your love for him, you vented a good deal of rage on your aunt and cousin. Psychologists call emotions directed at someone other than the rightful target “displacement.” And people sometimes displace their feelings when they find it too emotionally risky to confront the person with whom they really have an issue. And you’ll probably also have to take a serious look at the nature and intensity of your reaction. After all, your mother is the ultimate victim of your dad’s cheating, and from what you say, she’s done a lot of “enabling” over the years.

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In the end, you’ll have to decide how you want to deal with your feelings. And all your actions will have consequences. Naturally, you’re concerned about family harmony, especially in advance of your wedding day. But it should prove helpful to keep in mind where your issues really lie, with whom you need to do some serious but non-malicious confronting, with whom you probably need to make some amends, what things you want to hang on to, and what things you probably should let go.

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