Fear of Finding Work K/O’d My Perfect Relationship

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Reader’s Question

I am a 44-year-old female. Although I have a solid 16-year work history, I have always worked for friends or family. Early in September last year, I met the most amazing man, who seemed the answer to all my dreams. In the last week of that month, I lost my job of five years. In November, I moved in with this amazing man and had never been so happy. He works and does very well. But after a month or so, he informed me that he wanted me to go back to work. He told me he loved me but couldn’t be with someone who didn’t work. I think this is fair, so I promised him I would find something. I also told him I was trying to find a job, but in reality I wasn’t. Having only worked for family or friends in the past, the thought of actually going out and looking for a new job scares me to death!

My boyfriend has now made me move out and has cut communication with me. He said that getting a job was all he asked of me, and I wouldn’t do it. What is wrong with me? I have lost the most amazing man I have ever met over something so stupid. It’s not that I don’t want to work. I do. I’m just scared — so scared that it makes me really ill.

I just don’t feel like I can go on! And I don’t have anyone to talk to; I have tried to talk to him and my mom, and they just tell me I am being stupid and that I just don’t want to go to work. I just don’t know how much more I can take!

Psychologist’s Reply

The fact that you have only held jobs with family or friends, coupled with the fact that you report finding in your boyfriend the answer to your dreams, suggests that you have never really developed a solid sense of self-reliance. To top that off, yearning for your mother’s or boyfriend’s “understanding” about this is only likely to perpetuate the pattern and foster undue dependency.

It’s understandable that you might be anxious and avoidant, especially given your history. It’s also understandable that you might be desirous of understanding and support. And you might even want to secure professional assistance. But in the end, only doing the very things you fear to do will help you overcome the issues you have. So, even if you seek professional help, you’ll have to guard against unhealthy dependency. Doing the things you’ve never really done before in your life is always a challenge. You might have to start slowly and proceed incrementally. But you have to start somewhere. And besides, once you have a more solid sense of self and develop your ability to be self-reliant, you might even find yourself adopting a different point of view on the “dream” relationship you fear you let get away.

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