Once “Adopted” By Family, Now Scorned By Fiancé’s Mother and Sister

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Reader’s Question

I don’t know what to do about my toxic soon to be mother-in-law.
My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now, and I have known his family for over 11 years. His mother even thought of me as her “adopted” daughter. When I was 18 and was visiting at her house, her then 23-year-old son was attracted to me and mentioned it to his younger sister who was about 16 at the time. She gave him my number and suggested we go out, so we did.

When we started dating, my boyfriend’s mother and sister were SO happy and constantly told us so. But once we started getting really serious and started spending less time at the house, things changed. His younger sister was upset he wasn’t spending as much time with her as before we started dating, she said something to her mom, and that’s where his mother got involved big time. This same thing happened with his last serious girlfriend. The only difference is that I am considered family, whereas she wasn’t.

No one has hurt me the way she has, and that’s why it’s so upsetting to me. I have tried to resolve things with her, even suggesting that she and I just start over, but things just get thrown back in my face each time. After her calling me many names, and saying mean and horrible things, we are at the point now where I just don’t feel welcome at her gatherings, nor do I really want to be there.

I don’t blame her for all of this; it is all of our faults, and I will be the first to admit it. But looking back, I really haven’t done anything to her except fall in love with her son and start a life with him. It’s tearing my boyfriend and me apart, and I just don’t know what to do. I am looking into counseling for us to help us better deal with this. What do I do?

Psychologist’s Reply

You should bear in mind that one fact is inevitably true: change is hard. And whether you fully realized or intended it, when you started getting serious with your boyfriend, you made a much bigger impact on the family “system” than you did when you became an “adopted” member and friend.

Psychologists and other therapists who subscribe to “systems theory” will tell you that all systems, including family systems, try to maintain homeostasis. That’s because in a system, all parties derive something out of their respective roles and relationships within the system. That’s what keeps the system going. And the system can become really stressed and upset when change is thrust upon it.

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Just because things have been a certain way and everyone kind of likes it the way things have been doesn’t mean things can’t change. Change is what growth and life are all about. But change usually involves costs, especially to an established system, and that makes change difficult.

Seeing a counselor or therapist, especially one with a systems orientation, is probably a good idea. But in the end, what will probably make the biggest difference is acknowledging the pain each member of the system is going through because of the changes afoot. In time, your empathy and understanding might become appreciated to the point that you’re embraced as much more than just an “adopted” member of the family. If that doesn’t happen, however, you might want to re-evaluate how much dysfunction there may be in the family. And remember, in a dysfunctional system, everyone plays a role.

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