Separated from Husband, Now Parents Can’t Stand Boyfriend

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Reader’s Question

I am 28 years old and have been separated from my husband for two and a half years. We were never very close, and we parted amicably. We are still friends.

I have recently reconnected with my high school sweetheart. I love him very much and always have. The problem is that my parents can’t stand him and have told me to make a choice between him and them. I told them I am an adult and can make my own decisions and have decided to be with the love of my life. I am an only child, and I feel lost without my parents. I am so confused and don’t know what to do about this situation.

Psychologist’s Reply

You are correct when you say that you are an adult and bear responsibility for your own choices. You also have the responsibility to judge situations as well as matters of character with respect to the persons with whom you get involved.

Your parents can’t make your decisions for you. And unless there are many dysfunctional issues between the members of your family, they will always have some concern for your welfare. The bigger question is why both of them “can’t stand” the person you regard as the love of your life.

It is probably well worth your while to have a frank conversation with your parents about their concerns. That doesn’t mean that you cave in to their desires. It only means that you take seriously any genuine concerns they have for your welfare. There are many, many possible reasons for their reaction to this situation, ranging from their values regarding marriage to specific concerns they have about the character of your boyfriend. In the end, however, you have to make your own choices and live with the consequences.

From what you say, it appears that the man you separated from is a good guy with whom you are “still friends.” Yet you parted because you were never “close” (which I will interpret as meaning that “passion” was lacking in your relationship). If in fact you are overlooking qualities in a person whom others “can’t stand” simply because he has always ignited your passions, it could be a big red flag. Now, that doesn’t necessarily have to be the case. There are some times when personalities simply clash because they are so different, which might be the reason for your parents’ response to your new love. But if their response is rooted in reasonable concerns about problematic aspects of his character, that’s another story. In that sort of situation, ultimately your parents’ concern is probably less about their aversion to your boyfriend and much more about their concern for you and their fear that you might set aside your better judgment to satisfy your desires.

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