He Has a Crush on Me — Can We Still Be ‘Just Friends’?

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Reader’s Question

I think one of my guy friends has a crush on me. He buys me gifts and dinners, and he does favors for me. Because he does me favors, I also buy him dinner sometimes and return favors that I would do for any friend, such as taking him to the airport, etc. The problem is that he gets overly sentimental with me and sappy whenever I do anything for him.

People have commented to me that he is in love with me. I have good reason to believe this is true because we had a discussion once in which I told him I did not feel that way about him. My friends say I should be grateful for all the nice things he does, but the degree of his niceness is getting annoying. I am turned off by his sappiness.

Is my reaction normal? How should I handle this? Can we continue to be friends? I would be okay if the friendship ended because I am tired of being annoyed.

Psychologist’s Reply

It appears you are in a situation in which someone must take some action to better define the nature of your relationship with your friend. Because it seems that your friend is willing to try killing you with kindness as a way of possibly enhancing the chances your relationship will go beyond mere friendship, you’re going to have to make some tough choices. In the end, however, your friend does not have the power to “make” you feel badly as the result of the nice things he does for you or the sentiments behind them. He is responsible for his actions and his sentiments. You are more likely struggling with some misplaced feelings of guilt with respect to not returning the same kind of sentiments (even though you reciprocate with kind actions).

My best suggestion: set some clear boundaries and limits with your friend. Establish some guideline for your relationship and insist that your friend respect them. You’ll quickly learn whether you can remain purely “friends.”

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