Does My Husband Have a Sexual Disorder?

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Reader’s Question

My husband is obsessed with sex. His obsession involves sex with me, me having sex with others, talking about sex, etc. It never stops! If I don’t give in to his cravings, he is depressed.

Is he obsessed or an addict? Is he just trying to control me? We have engaged in swinging, threesomes, etc. We have been married for 21 years. What do you think the problem is?

Psychologist’s Reply

There could be several underlying causes for the behaviors you describe. And although there is a great deal of controversy about the concept, one could even argue that the elements of an addiction might also be present in your situation.

There are two things for certain that you will want to consider.

First, regardless of the underlying motivations, once a pattern of sensation-seeking behavior is established, it takes progressively increasing novelty and sensationalism to pique the interest and satisfy the craving of the sensation-seeker. And, most often, such a pattern interferes with the development of deeper levels of intimacy and happiness. There are also physiological consequences to such behavior patterns. Chemical changes occur so that the pleasure centers of the brain are activated under certain conditions, producing a natural “high” when the addiction-like behavior is exhibited and resulting in a “low” or depressive state when the opportunity for such behavior is denied. The physiology of any “addiction” is remarkably similar.

Second, it takes two to tango! Whether you truly want to be or not, you have been an “enabler” to the pattern. More than likely, your enmeshment with your partner has led you to feel partly responsible for the “depression” you say he experiences when his cravings are not being fed. But you are an individual with your own wants and needs. You need to get in better touch with yourself and what your wants and needs are. Then you’ll have some decisions to make about what you want to do to secure them.

My best suggestion: seek good professional help, especially from a counselor or therapist with experience in relationship issues and/or sexual behavior problems.

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