Feeling Lost as the Middle Child in an Asian Family

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Reader’s Question

I am from an Asian family, and my family has this thing of sending their children to Asia to be raised by grandparents until age five, and then they come back to the U.S. I have two siblings, a brother and a sister. My age difference with my brother is two years, but the age difference with my sister is eight years. When my sister was still in Asia, my mom liked my brother more than she liked me, and my dad liked me more than he liked my brother. Things changed after my sister came to the U.S. I felt that my dad loved her more. When I want something, he doesn’t care, and he doesn’t pay attention to me anymore it seems. I feel like nobody loves me anymore.

Psychologist’s Reply

It sounds like you are feeling lost in the shuffle of siblings going back and forth to Asia and the U.S. I don’t know how old you or your siblings are currently, but it sounds like you are experiencing a “middle child” dynamic. Your brother is the only male of the siblings, and your sister is significantly younger than you, which allows her to be the baby. The dynamic you described is actually very normal. Often, the middle child feels they are somewhat invisible, and often they are the ones who feel left out. Since I don’t know your age, or what your interests might be, I would suggest getting involved in a sport, an art, or an activity (writing? photography? theater arts? pottery? cooking?) and really allowing yourself to express yourself in this arena. You aren’t ever going to be your parents’ youngest, or your parents’ only son…but you can be your parents’ best child-chef, or the best photographer of all the other kids, or even the best dog trainer of the family. There are ways that you can demonstrate your unique gifts that will make you feel good about yourself, and make your parents feel good about your achievements. When our parents pay attention to us, we often confuse attention with love. I don’t know your parents, but I would feel confident in saying they probably do indeed love you very much. It would be better for you to cultivate your own set of skills and traits that will let you stand out in your family for something positive.

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