He Cheats and Disappoints, But I Still Miss Him

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Reader’s Question

Four years ago I moved to the UK. I met a guy and it seemed like love at first sight. He was in a relationship at that time, but we become close friends. Both of us knew seeing each other was wrong and we tried to cut it off, but it was too good to be in each other’s company.

Our friendship deepened, and the guy cheated on his girlfriend a couple of times, but then one night when we were chatting, I felt that something was wrong. He told me his girlfriend cheated on him and that he was really sad. I tried to be there for him. We met up, and he told me he always loved me and asked me to be his girlfriend. The he dumped me the next day, saying I would cheat on him too. All this was hard on me, too. My grandfather had died and I didn’t have a job, yet I was trying to help him.

Months later he started to ignore me, didn’t respond to my messages, and finally said I annoy him. We met for a chat, and later I asked to meet again, but he said we cannot meet because his girlfriend was coming to visit him. It turns out he had had a girlfriend for six months by then. He said this was entirely MY fault because I didn’t understand him when his girlfriend cheated on him. I didn’t support him and I messed up everything between the two of us.

When he’s drunk, he’s always saying he misses me and that I was the perfect girl for him, he loves me, can’t imagine his life with me, we might have a future later on in life, but not yet, etc. Earlier this year, we got to a point where he said what happened was OUR fault. WE messed it up together. Later we met in person couple of times and he cheated on his current girlfriend.

Then he got to a point where he said he can more easily share problems with me than with his girlfriend and HE was stupid for letting me slip away before. We ended our conversation by saying we hoped to speak soon. It’s been 5 weeks so far and he hasn’t called.

I know I should forget about him and move on. I tried it. It doesn’t work. Every time another guy kisses me I feel I am cheating on him.

I know that his cheating on two girlfriends wasn’t the right thing to do, but I still believe that if someone can do such a thing then it must be something stronger than lust or passion.

I never wanted a boyfriend just for the sake of it. And I always wanted to be with a guy whom I love and respect. I miss him so badly and don’t know what to do.

Psychologist’s Reply

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You appear to have some moral standards and a sense of right and wrong. You indicate quite clearly that you know it was wrong for this guy to cheat on two girlfriends. You also appear to have insight into how unreliable he has been with respect to both his regard for and promises made to you. So, the only question is whether you will allow your better judgment to be overruled by your passion.

My best suggestion: remember that every decision you make in life has a consequence. And if you choose to set your better judgment aside to satisfy your passion, you alone will be responsible for the emotional bruising you’re likely to sustain.

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