He Says He’s Thinking About Me While Looking at Escort Ads

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Reader’s Question

I’ve known my boyfriend for a year. He is 20. Nothing is lacking in our relationship sexually. I know in the past, about a year ago, he looked at escort ads many times. He said he would look at it for fun with his friends to make fun of them and set up fake appointments. He also says he really hates escorts, prostitutes, slutty girls and that they are filthy. He says this A LOT without my even asking him. He told me he would never look at the escort ads again and that it was a thing of the past he did for fun with friends. I recently found out he looked at them again. He was searching for local escorts (his searches were always for local escorts). He first said his search lead him there. Then he later admitted he used escorts ads to get horny — not just this time but in the past as well. He says he doesn’t imagine having sex with the specific women he looks at, but he does imagine sex in general. To me, this is big red flag, that he has a thing for hookers and possibly might see one, if he hasn’t already. If he hates hookers so much like he always says, I don’t see why he uses them specifically as his source for porn? I think he is now or will use escort services. Also he says he doesn’t imagine having sex with the women he looks at, just me. This disturbs me because he cannot admit the truth. He always tries to act “perfect”. At the moment I’m not speaking to him. I talked to him about it already, but I don’t feel the same about him. I really need opinions; what you think of him and his actions? What should I do?

Psychologist’s Reply

First, remember that you’re asking a psychologist this question. I’m sure that an advice columnist would just tell you to dump the bum. I’m assuming you want to understand him a bit better and inform the decision you’ve already made not to speak to him.

I agree, this is a huge red flag. The dishonesty with himself and with you undermines trust, which undermines everything. If he needs an impersonal sex object to fantasize about, then it is only a matter of time before he objectifies you. In fact, he said he already has objectified you; he thinks about you while looking at images of another woman.

The thing about marriage is that we recognize something special and exclusive in each other. Spouses are not interchangeable. If he can appreciate that you are unique, precious, and respectworthy, then he may come around. If not, well, I guess he’ll never be alone…

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