Do Some People Have a Need for Abasement?

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Reader’s Question

I know a guy who just has to take the blame for everything. He hates seeing other people get in trouble so he purposely tries to direct the blame for things from them and onto himself! It’s as if he enjoys being punished, even for things he didn’t do (as well as for things that he actually did do)!

I came across the term “abasement need” and the definition seems to fit my friend. Does he have such a need, and if so is there anything that can be done about it? He’s a really nice guy and I hate to see him being a doormat for other people.

Psychologist’s Reply

The term abasement most commonly means a lowering of one’s rank, prestige, or psychological sense of worth. And self-debasement is usually about having a desire to degrade or denigrate oneself.

There are many possible explanations for why a person might want to take the blame for others. Some individuals have, for various reasons, developed a particular sensitivity toward anyone’s being punished. Others seem to regard it as a badge of honor and strength that they can take upon themselves the wrath that might be directed toward others. Still others have relatively rare personality predispositions in which they derive satisfaction from being humiliated, debased, discredited, and looked down upon.

It’s important not to jump to any conclusions about what might be motivating your friend’s behavior and the reasons for it. Some individuals are so desperate for a sense of affiliation and acceptance and so insecure about the more common ways to attain those goals that they can resort to some fairly self-defeating ways (including the willingness to be everyone’s “doormat”) to get what they need. So, if you care about your friend and you don’t want to see him hurt himself in the long run, encourage him to seek some professional help.

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