Trust, Rejection and Finding Friendship

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Reader’s Question

I react very poorly to criticism. Trust is difficult for me, and I have rarely felt that someone truly cares about me. I am afraid of rejection to the point that starting a friendship (or worse, deepening a relationship) is extremely difficult for me. I dislike arguing, crowds, and leadership roles. I also dislike being the center of attention or being depended upon by other people. Sometimes I wonder if I sabotage myself by avoiding leadership roles and responsibilities so that other people will know not to rely on me. What is going on with me? Can my problems be treated?

Psychologist’s Reply

The problems you describe are consistent with symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder. Individuals with this disorder are extremely fearful of being criticized, shamed, or socially rejected and see themselves as socially inept and inferior to others. They may spend their whole lives avoiding social situations or relationships to protect themselves from the possibility of being rejected. They typically want deeper relationships but tend to be extremely cautious around people, leaving them feeling isolated, depressed and anxious.

Whether your problems warrant a diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder is something that can only be determined by a qualified therapist. However, a good therapist will not be so concerned with whether you have this diagnosis, but will instead help you overcome your social anxiety. A therapist can help you become more aware of ways in which you unknowingly perpetuate your social insecurities and then assist you in challenging underlying beliefs that cause you to limit your life and relationships.

It is likely that low self-esteem and mistrust of others prevents you from forming intimate, trusting bonds with others. Your tendency to avoid anxiety-provoking social situations and relationships probably keeps you from forming important connections with others which, in turn, leads you to feel lonely, depressed, and anxious. This is the essence of the “sabotaging” you ascribed to yourself; you have an interpersonal pattern that is negatively self-perpetuating and leaves you feeling stuck. A therapist will help you overcome your negative views of yourself, gain greater trust in others, and help you take personal risks so that you can ultimately live your life more fully.

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Bear in mind that pursuing therapy may seem challenging to you, as you may feel anxious about making yourself vulnerable to a therapeutic professional. A therapist should provide a safe, nurturing environment to help you take more risks socially and challenge your low self-esteem. The therapy relationship should serve as a secure “home base” from which you learn to counter negative beliefs about yourself and others and act more assertively both within the therapy room as well as in your outside relationships. Although therapy may seem intimidating, I encourage you to take the chance and connect with a therapist so that you can become more confident and develop the meaningful relationships you long to have.

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