There is No Part of Dating That is Not Weird

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Reader’s Question

I don’t know how to say it, but I just get this depressed feeling a lot. I think it’s related to girls, because there are a few girls who like me, but I’m not interested in them. There’s only one girl I do like, but she doesn’t even want to talk with me. She tries to avoid me if I get in her way; she is just content with looking at each other. There is a common friend between us and she asked her about me. I don’t know if this makes the case any better. I hope you can help me; it means a lot to me, this issue.

Psychologist’s Reply

In my professional opinion, let me just say that there is no part of dating that is not weird.

At every turn you are faced with uncertainty, self doubt and the potential for rejection. At every turn, the girls in your life face the same thing. I like your instinct to get help making connections from mutual friends. Is there a way to build on that? What I’m wondering is, are there social opportunities where you can be with her and a host of other friends at the same time? Perhaps you can all go out together to do things and just be friendly. If so, then group gatherings will ease the way for more intimate connections. If those connections don’t happen for you, then it may take some resiliency on your part to get over the disappointment and move on.

Nowadays, we are all living in more and more isolated fashions. We work online, shop online, and associate with few people outside of the workplace. To meet new people and socialize, one must constantly be putting oneself out there to be discovered. One needs to belong to clubs, committees, classes or events in order to be available for an opportunity to find you. There is only one guarantee: you will not find the girl you’re looking for by staying home alone. If you do, let us know. You’ll be the first and we’ll all want to know how you did it.

If you are saying that this depressed feeling has more to do with your personal comfort in social situations or other mental health issues, then perhaps the activities I’ve described above are not right for you. Instead, perhaps it would be better to look for a therapy group where you can establish therapeutic relationships. Those relationships are unique and special. They can be very long-lasting, but they are not friendships per se. They have different rules of social engagement. Without going into all the details, I encourage you to try all options until you find the ones that fit best for you.

It sounds like you have heart for a monogamous relationship. When you find your match, you’ll appreciate it and value it. That in itself makes it worth the wait.

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