You’re Not His Nursemaid: Unconditional Love is for Kids

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Reader’s Question

My boyfriend of three months recently stopped taking his Zoloft prescription, and I want to know what steps I can take to be supportive. Ever since we first met he has been open about his depression and the fact that he took Zoloft.

He is 24 and had been on it for about a year (I do not know the dosage). He decided he was going to stop taking it without consulting his doctor because he didn’t want to be dependent on the drug. Now he feels like he has to go through all the stressors of life alone.

Now he is irritable, doesn’t want to talk about his emotions, and his desire for sex and a relationship has changed (all for the worse in my opinion). I thought maybe he was just having a rough patch, but things haven’t improved.

While he has hated his job for months he recently decided to put in his two weeks’ notice and return to school full time. Our once fruitful sex life has all but dried up in the past few weeks; in fact we hardly even kiss now.

However, just the other day I found naked pictures on his phone. Apparently he is swapping pictures with people on Craigslist and talking about hooking up. I confronted him and for the first time he opened up a bit. He said he does it for arousal but has not nor does he intend to meet up with anyone.

I feel like he has changed so much! I was about to throw in the towel, but we were able to spend four days together this weekend and we seemed to have some good moments. While there was still no sex, we kissed and cuddled. He also opened up about what has been stressing him in life lately. What can I do to be supportive? I have been so stressed lately, and I don’t know what to do. Can you share any strategies for being a supportive partner or helping someone with depression? I have encouraged him to go back to his counselor, which he is considering.

Sincerely,
Stressed

Psychologist’s Reply

Stressed, what is your role with this man? I appreciate your commitment to him, I really do. But let me remind you what he told you: he needs to go through all the stressors of life alone. You can certainly be there as you have been, but you are not his Zoloft, you are not his counselor, and you are not his nursemaid. If you want to be really supportive, then it’s time for you to get a reality check and then to give one to him. Here goes:

When we talk about unconditional love, we are talking about kids, not adults. Kids behave in inappropriate ways as a way of learning and growing up. We expect it, it’s normal. We take the hardships of parenting along with the joys. With adults, we can never expect things to be perfect. However, we can expect a minimum amount of trust and honesty. We can expect a boyfriend to love, honor and cherish you (otherwise why would we write those things into our wedding vows?). If these conditions are not met in adult love, then love does not survive. As evidence of this, I simply draw your attention to the divorce rate these days.

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He has been honest about stopping the meds, but not honest with his doctor. He isn’t having sex with you, but he is exchanging naked pictures (suggesting that the change in his sexual behavior is directed towards your relationship, not a change in his libido per se). I do not think you have to throw in the towel. On the contrary, I think it’s time for you to take a stand. If this makes sense to you, tell him that he’s changed and you don’t like it. That after three months, your relationship cannot be tested with this Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde routine and expected to survive. If he wants you, then he needs to start acting like it. He doesn’t want his zoloft? Fine. But get started with the counselor and inform the doctor now. Without taking steps to control the depression, he is courting a depressive episode. There is no way, from the little you’ve shared, that we can know his intention in doing these things. It is not beyond the realm of possibility that he wants to sabotage your relationship. I encourage you to ask him this point blank. Let him know that you have not changed and that you still care for him, but that he has changed. Perhaps ask him if he wants you to go but can’t come out and just say so. You will be able to tell a lot from the way he responds to you.

Do not be counselor and psychiatrist and nursemaid. Do not sacrifice yourself for something that does not meet you half-way. You sound like a woman with a lot to offer. He would be sorry to see you go. Let him know that he risks exactly that if he doesn’t start caring for you and for himself. If he won’t, then be supportive to yourself. Be your own best friend. The best help you offer him may just be this reality check, this kind of tough love, to let him know that he does need to be attentive to his health if he wants to succeed with you.

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