Am I the Bum Boyfriend?

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Reader’s Question

I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a little over three years. Over the last year or two, things have been getting more and more strained between us. Recently, my job was cut short, and I have been having trouble finding another one to pay the bills. Last night my girlfriend and I had a huge fight about finance, and she is concerned that I am not trying hard enough to figure things out job wise. She believes she can no longer depend on me to contribute financially. This morning she showed me this article from your site about a live-in boyfriend who does nothing around the house. I know that I am not as bad as the person mentioned in the article, but I do have a lot of the same problems.

Over the last two years I haven’t had a job for longer than eight months — not because I get fired or let go for some reason of my own, but because, as an animator, it is the nature of the industry. My girlfriend has had the same troubles, as she too is an animator. The difference between us is that when she is out of work, she is able to consistently contribute financially and emotionally to our relationship. I, on the other hand, tend to exhibit a lot of the traits discussed in the live-in-boyfriend article. I get depressed about being out of work, I have trouble finding a replacement job to fill the gap between contracts, I frequently am running on fumes financially, and I feel generally unmotivated.

I am approaching the end of another contract and have failed, as of yet, to try and find another means of making money to get by for the next couple of months. It is because of this that my girlfriend and I had a fight last night. She wants to break up with me, and frankly I can’t blame her. She says she still loves me, and that if I could somehow change my ways and stop feeling so sorry for myself, if I could take responsibility for my life and actively try and make things better, that she would want to be with me. But right now, she feels it’s better if we break up.

After talking with her, and reading this article, and just thinking about my life over the last couple of years, I want to change. I want to stop being this person who just fails at being an adult. I know that I’m immature and childish — I’m an animator, it’s kind of what we do. But that shouldn’t mean that I can’t function as a normal adult. I feel like I know what I have to do, but I am having trouble fully realizing it. I love my girlfriend with everything that I am, and I want to be able to be there for her when she is counting on me. Mostly though, I think I need to do this for myself, so I don’t slip further into this pattern to a point where I can no longer recover.

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What can I do to bring myself out of this funk? How can I stop myself from spiralling out of control?

I want to change, I want to be a contributing adult. I just feel like I don’t know how.

Psychologist’s Reply

You said the magic words: “I want to change. I want to stop being this person who just fails at being an adult”. That makes all the rest possible. In identifying with the article you mentioned, you identify with a population that is often considered to be untreatable. That is, individuals with personality disorders. What I hear you saying is you have resolved within yourself not to be one of those persons. That means that you have decided to change your behavior so you can contribute as an adult, succeed as a person, and maintain your relationship. Good for you. Now what everyone will be asking is “show me”.

As I recall, you have an excellent model to follow. Didn’t Walt Disney start out as an ambulance driver? In this time of recession, many people are struggling to find a job. If you live in the US, I think the military is offering a $30K sign-up bonus. Aren’t animators just the kind of people needed by people in such a high-stress environment to keep morale high?

Alternatively, you could go to a vocational counselor for a series of brief tests to help identify an alternative career/complementary career in which you can succeed. In looking at those alternatives, consider two factors separately. First consider in what capacity you could perform well. Then consider what career you would enjoy. Remember that none of the alternatives are going to make your heart break out in song. You’ve already selected your chosen profession. Now you’re looking for a way to make a living. So be selective, but make sure you select something. Tell your girlfriend that you’re going to make a choice by a certain deadline. Recruit her support and get her input on what would be best for you both. Then, when the deadline comes (or even better, before the deadline comes), take action. Show yourself that you can make a choice and be the responsible person you wish to be.

These kinds of choices can often feel like failure or selling out your career dreams. Again, think of Walt Disney. Driving an ambulance did not foreclose his chance of animating great films. It paved the way for him in ways he never could have anticipated.

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