And Then He Bought Me an Engagement Ring

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Reader’s Question

My boyfriend and I have been dating for four and a half years. We were engaged two years ago, but that fell through — we both needed to take a step back. (We were fighting a lot and breaking up a lot.) Well, since that time I feel like I’ve been begging my boyfriend to commit again. We have worked through so much…we used to not be able to bring up any sensitive topics without fear of it ending in a screaming match and me crying, him pulling away. Now, we can talk about everything, and when we start to fight it resolves quickly.

In our relationship, many feelings have been hurt. I think in many ways, I have a hard time truly letting go of the past hurts — even after he’s apologized. I say I forgive, but I don’t know if I do 100% trust him anymore.

Still though, I have said I want to get married and have a family with him.

(He’s had some commitment fears for the past couple years.)

Here’s what is upsetting to me. Over new years, he bought me a ring! At first I couldn’t believe it: I was happy, nervous, terrified, etc. Then once it sank in, I really became crazy anxious — so much so that I had a massive panic attack (I do have a history of anxiety), and I lost all sense of what I thought I wanted with us, and marriage to him seemed so foreign and I was scared. The thought of wearing the ring scared me. Long story short, he took the ring back, and now I feel like we’ve drifted apart because of how I freaked out. I love him very much. I just can’t get back to feeling excited about marrying him. Even when I think of being separated, the thought of dating freaks me out. I’m so scared that I’ve ruined any chance of this relationship getting to marriage and now I don’t even know if that’s what I want. Please share your insight.

Psychologist’s Reply

One of the biggest reasons that couples hesitate to get into premarital counseling is the fear that it will lead them to postpone or cancel their marriage. They’re afraid that the marriage counselor will tell them that they are not a good match and they shouldn’t go through with it. The truth is, marriage counselors say no such thing. We understand that the choice to marry is yours and yours alone. Also, marriage counselors do not know what the future holds. We can’t tell what will be the deciding factor for you to marry or not. What we can do is lead you through a conversation on the topics that most commonly lead to success in a marriage. We help you ask questions that you may not know to ask. We broach subjects that are taboo. We try to make it safe to talk about the many things that go into this important decision.

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Couples who are in love tend to discount these many factors in their considerations to marry. They think that love conquers all. If that were the case, then I doubt we would be seeing the divorce rate as high as it is. The truth is, we have many things to consider before tying the knot. Just the act of talking these things through increases your chance of success in marriage by 30%.

Now, you are clearly not afraid that talking about your issues will lead you to postpone your marriage. You have already postponed it. Therefore, I pose to you that you have nothing to lose by getting involved in a thorough premarital counseling experience.

Clearly, you are aware of some of the issues that come between you. That’s a good start. It might help to know where you stand on all of the issues. It might help you to know how far apart from each other you are in those factors that contribute to success. It will definitely help for each of you to see how well you are willing and able to engage in such a soul-searching conversation. At the very least, it might help you to understand these things just so you can carry on your relationship under the present terms. There is no hurry for you to marry. You are already together. Having this recent experience with the ring can be a great strength for you. You have already tested your intimacy, and you’ve discovered how truly meaningful (and scary) it is to picture yourself as a married couple. Don’t waste the pain. Use it, explore it, delve into the fears and hopes to see where the promises and perils lie in this great venture of marriage.

Despite the fact that premarital counseling is so helpful, most people will not take the step to actually go to see a marriage counselor. It is either too expensive or embarrassing to go. Even in the 21st century, we still have a stigma against consulting with a mental health professional. That is why we have worked so hard to develop tools for you to do-it-yourself.

A good start for you would be to do two things. First, give yourself a little quiz. The Couple Checkup is a quick, inexpensive way to chart your strengths and areas of growth in your relationship. That is a great tool to use whether you’re exploring marriage as an engaged couple or have been married for 30 years. The results will lead you to a very valuable conversation as you discuss what the results mean to you. You may find some surprises, or you may feel reassured by the results that your relationship is as you’ve perceived it to be.

A second tool at your disposal is my book Of Sound Mind to Marry which expands the context of the conversation. Reading it together will take you through the premarital counseling experience in the privacy of your own home. For almost all couples, this is all the guidance you will need. For those couples who are highly conflicted, or for those couples who need individualized help to discuss certain sensitive topics, you may still wish to find a therapist to mediate the conversation.

Going through this process is the best way I know to change cold feet into confidence. It is a great gift you give yourself to start things off on the right foot. Being as concerned as you are for your collective welfare is a very good sign. The greater danger is complacency — that there are concerns that you dismiss or underestimate. This does not appear to be your problem.

It is completely appropriate for couples to hesitate before taking a big step into marriage. Don’t be overly concerned that things have cooled off since your first attempt with the ring. You two have this in common: you both cherish marriage and how it will change you as individuals. That is a very good start on this wonderful path of self- and couple-development.

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