Codependent, Addictive Relationship?

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Reader’s Question

My girlfriend of two and a half years just left me over the phone. Three days after we broke up, she found a guy who “makes her feel like I used to”. I know I’m not perfect, but I tried my best to make her happy in every way that I could. I know I will get over her but I don’t know how to help myself. I am afraid that she will get hurt and come crawling back to me. We had an emotionally abusive relationship — it went both ways, and I’m not proud of it — but everything always ended with us making up. I don’t want this to happen again, but I don’t think I can say “no” if my girlfriend wants to get back together.

Psychologist’s Reply

It sounds like you may be caught in the drama of an addictive, or codependent, relationship. I say this because you describe wanting to end an unhealthy relationship pattern with your girlfriend, yet you admit feeling unable to leave. Addictive, or codependent, relationships are characterized by each partner unconsciously relying on the other to fulfill unmet emotional needs rather than sharing a trusting, intimate, loving bond with the other person. Addictive relationships involve focusing on someone else at the expense of oneself, and may involve “craving” someone — almost like a drug addiction — if the other person threatens to leave.

So how do you know if you are in an addictive relationship? You may be in one if you constantly rely on your partner to make you feel good or bolster your self-esteem. Another telltale sign is a relationship that repeatedly ends and begins again. Your partner may repeatedly threaten to leave or abandon you (or you may do so to your partner), if he/she is not getting what they need from you. You may also notice a pattern where you or your partner often tries to control the other person — e.g., isolating your partner by insisting that he/she not socialize with others. Another sign is a lack of open, honest communication in the relationship; neither person shares what he/she truly feels or wants. There is a lack of trust between partners and neither feels truly supported.

There are ways to overcome an addictive relationship pattern. A therapist who specializes in relationships can help you identify the underlying roots of your addictive relationship problems (i.e., unmet emotional needs) as well as the underlying beliefs that keep you stuck. He/she will encourage you to focus on yourself and what you might need, and increase awareness of the unhealthy roles that you assume in the relationship and relationships generally. It is not uncommon, for example, for people in unhealthy relationships to assume the role of rescuer, persecutor, or victim (originally coined as the “drama triangle” by Stephen Karpman). A therapist will also work with you so you stop trying to change or control your partner to fill emotional “holes” you have — whether they are emotional, spiritual, intellectual, vocational or physical — and assist you instead in finding other ways to fulfill missing areas in your life.

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