My Mother Listened to My Plans, Then Laughed Her Head Off

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Reader’s Question

I want to go to therapy. I have talked to my parents about it, and they’ve said they’re not going to take me because they don’t think I need it. I have a lot of self doubt, and I feel I cannot amount to anything in life. I feel this way because of my mother. My mother and I used to have such a good relationship, but we don’t anymore. I know she probably doesn’t mean the words she is saying when we are arguing, but she has no idea how much they stick in my head — whether they are true or not true. I told her where I wanted to go to college and what I wanted to do, and she laughed her head off! She doesn’t think I’m smart enough to make something of myself. I have never attempted suicide, but it has come across my mind before. Ever since I was little — like four years old — I have always thought people would be better off without me. I still do.

Psychologist’s Reply

You are smart enough to know that you need help. You’re smart enough to ask for it. You know how things affect you and can guess that your mother has a different perspective. You write very well. There’s every indication that you are smart and can make something of yourself.

Your pain is clear for all to see. It’s so hard to know what you need but not be able to access it.

Although you say that others would be better off without you, I wonder whether you mean that you would be better off without them. While you’d much prefer a good relationship with your mother, with things as they are you’re impatient to be an independent adult. It’s very hard to be young and dependent, especially when your needs are not being met. Keep in mind that you will be an independent adult soon and can decide how best to care for yourself. In the meantime, there are things you can do to make time pay.

While you may need to be patient to get everything you want, here are some things you can do for yourself now. One would be to make use of the free mental health and suicide prevention hotlines. In every area, there are toll-free phone numbers that you can call 24 hours a day to talk to a counselor. In your darkest hours, this could be a resource to break your isolation and get you through the night. Another resource is your school counselor. School counselors usually advise you about academic issues, not mental health issues. However, you have questions about college and might benefit from making a concrete plan to reach your goals.

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Think about the small goals you can work towards now. Think about what you might realistically achieve in the next 6-12 months, and then try your best to make it happen. If you succeed, then reward yourself. If you make your best effort even without reaching the goal you set, reward yourself. Try to get in the habit of valuing yourself and your efforts. If your childhood has not provided you with a sense of worth, try to parent yourself now and give yourself that sense.

You worry that you can’t make something of yourself, but you already are something. Something special. If your mother can’t see that now, perhaps she will in the future. Until then, try to see it and demonstrate it to yourself. It’s your opinion of yourself that matters.

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