Do I Need to Tell My Mother That I Want Help?

Reader’s Question

I am a 20-year-old college student. When I was a child I dealt with depression after my father left. I was sent to a child psychiatrist to deal with my father’s leaving and with self-esteem issues. Things seemed fine after my final session, but for years I still felt depressed.

I want to get help again from a psychiatrist, but I don’t know how to tell my mother that I want help. She has always told me that I could talk to her if I have problems, but this is something that I just can’t bring myself to talk to her about. What can I do? How can I convince myself to tell her? Should I go to a psychiatrist on my own and not tell her anything?

Psychologist’s Reply

You raise an excellent point: we can’t talk to one person about everything that goes on in our lives. In every relationship there is something that is not shared. It needn’t be a deep, dark secret or something you want to keep from her. It’s just something that is personal, something that might affect your relationship, or may simply not concern her. You want to talk about the things going on in your life, but not always with the same person. We are social creatures. We need other people in our lives. This is not an insult to your mother, to want to talk only to a doctor about your depression. You are just recognizing your need to keep something in your life confidential, at least for now.

Your mother has invited you to talk to her about your problems. I’m wondering if you can discuss this issue, the one described above, without discussing your depression per se. Maybe you can talk to her about your relationship with her. Ask her if there are things she hasn’t told you. Of course there are. Perhaps she has feelings about your father that she hasn’t shared. Perhaps those feelings are about her relationship with him as a wife, and those feelings don’t directly concern you. Perhaps she has shared those feelings with a friend or a therapist, and has deliberately tried to shield you from that. I think you can ask her if she has kept some of her feelings to herself without asking her what those feelings are. If she can acknowledge that, then maybe you would feel safer letting her know that you feel the same way. This may even prompt her to wonder how to get you help without your asking for it. If not, then you may feel safer asking for it after this more immediate discussion.

We each owe it to ourselves to express ourselves and be heard and understood. As you go forward in getting help with your depression, knowing you have a solid, understanding relationship with your mother can be a continuing source of strength and solace for you. That may be more valuable than any discussion with her of the other issues you have in mind.

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