At a Loss, Living Abroad, Involved with Older Married Man

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Reader’s Question

I’m Romanian and moved to Italy three years ago. They’ve been the worst years I’ve ever had. In the same year I moved to Italy, I discovered that my first love cheated on me all the time. So the pain was deeper: I’ve changed country, my boyfriend left me, and I’ve lost my friends. One year ago, I met a married man. The age difference between us is 35 years. I am in love with him. But he’s been acting so weird over the last two months. When he needs to talk about his problems, I always help him, and I don’t let him go until I’ve made him smile. When I’m sad, he gives me advice that has nothing to do with my mood. One week he wants me, the next week I feel that he regrets being with me. And the worst thing is that whenever I am sad and have problems, no one listens to me. I am very sad and I really need feedback. I apologise if I made mistakes.

Psychologist’s Reply

Your note is very sad indeed. When you apologize for mistakes, I’m not sure if you are sorry for grammatical errors in your note (now edited) or for mistakes you feel you are making with your life. If you are sorry for the part you have played in your present unhappiness, then let’s be clear that you are apologizing to yourself. While I support you in being able to take responsibility for your actions, regret alone will not see you through to a solution to your problems. Let’s take a look at what’s going on for you and what parts you have the power to change.

First, you are experiencing culture shock from your new environment. Second, you have this long-distance discovery that your first love has been unfaithful. Then and somewhat quickly (perhaps out of need not to be alone?) you fall in love with a man who is not available. The age difference between you also makes me wonder whether you were looking for a father-figure to comfort you in your distress. And finally, despite all your efforts, you are still alone when you need help the most.

The time you invest in your current relationship seems to be bearing bitter fruit. Consider that a married man is not available for your love. Unless his marital status is about to change, then all other problems with him are academic. You need comfort and support, and he simply cannot provide it. To the extent that you have chosen him out of need, then consider that you are not in love but rather under the influence of love’s imposter: it feels like love, looks like love, but from its destructive influence on your life, it cannot be love.

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Still, you must have companionship, as surely as you are a social creature. Here in America, every city has organizations to support expatriates such as yourself. Do a search and see if there is a similar group in your city where you can speak your native language and make friends with others in your circumstance. If you feel the need for more support, then therapists are there to listen to you and give you the advice and comfort you really do need.

You’ve made it three years in a foreign land — that shows some strength and determination. I hope you can channel some of that energy in directions that will feed and support you. You are not alone, but it is hard to make those first contacts with others of like mind. It can feel like dead-lifting a heavy weight. Take an hour a day to reach out to others. In a short time, you will find a contact that feels right. Then you can invest your precious time there. I encourage you to make a discipline of this so that your final words about your Italian adventure will not be “I’m sorry”.

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