I Just Wish I Could Start Over and Live Another Life

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Reader’s Question

I’m 15. I have been having feeling worthless and helpless for about three years, ever since I moved from my old town and started middle school. I feel like my friends don’t really care about me. They just act like it because they ‘have to.’ And although my parents do care about me a lot, I don’t feel comfortable talking to them about my feelings because I don’t think they would take me seriously. I have very low self-esteem and feel fat and ugly, and I think some people don’t like me because I’m fat. I weigh 180 pounds. Also, I’m not in any extracurricular activities because I think people would think I was dumb because I suck at everything. I literally cannot think of any special talents I have. I’m lazy, and every time I try to commit myself to doing something such as exercising everyday or eating healthier I give up. I have no motivation to to do anything but to sit around and watch TV and eat. I wish I could be a better person, but I don’t know how. I try. But it seems impossible to me. Even my mom sees that I’m worthless and lazy. She says that I can’t get a job because I would end up doing something wrong and get fired. Sometimes when I’m feeling completely helpless and alone, I burn myself with my straightener. I’ve tried to stop, but it’s become a habit. I hate myself and the way I am. I’ve thought/think about dying, but I wouldn’t call myself suicidal; I just wish I could start over and live another life.

People see me as the ‘happy girl,’ Always optimistic and smiling. And sometimes I really do feel that way! But most of the time I feel horrible about my life. I don’t know how to show anyone how I really feel.

So my question is: do you think that I’m depressed? And if so, do you have any advice on how I could get help through other people or even just by myself?

Psychologist’s Reply

Yes, I think you are depressed. I also fear that you are not being a very good friend to yourself. When we think about the ones we spend time with, don’t we spend more time with ourselves than anyone? Wouldn’t it be nice if you were a friend to yourself?

How do you become a friend to yourself? It takes time, but it could start by showing yourself a good time. Have a little fun. For example, you mention that you’ve tried exercise programs, but you have no motivation to keep up with them. I’ll bet you it’s because the programs are no fun. If they were fun, you would look forward to practicing them. For example, I don’t enjoy going to the gym and working out with machines. It bores me. I don’t like to put my body in motion and then distract myself with iPods or TVs or meters that measure my calorie count. I like the results of the gym, but not enough to force myself to go routinely. Rather, I like to do exercise that interests me or gives me something to show for my efforts. Two such things come to mind: gardening and martial arts. With the garden, the work is quiet and slow. When I finish, I have the garden to show for my labors. I like that. When I practice martial arts, I think about what I’m doing and engage myself in the practice. It’s not enough to put my body in the proper position. I also have to know what I’m doing and do it with soft power. That takes concentration. When I practice, an hour goes by like nothing. I finish an exercise and find that I’m all sweat, and I’ve spent the hour in one timeless moment of connection and concentration. Is there anything that gives you that feeling — anything you do that’s fun, absorbing, and you could do long term? If so, do that. Let it become a discipline so it becomes a habit. But keep it fun for yourself. Otherwise, you won’t stay with it.

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Being a friend to yourself also means respecting your pain, not brushing it under the rug. I hear that you are able to wear a brave face, and appear to be happy to casual acquaintances. I think you’re wise not to disclose too much to casual acquaintances. These are deep concerns, and they’re not to be shared with just anyone. They’re only to be shared with someone who can handle them without being overwhelmed, someone who can remain focused on you. Therefore, I do recommend that you find one therapist with whom you can get along, and then build a long term relationship with her. This way, you can have time to talk about the shadow side of your life and respect your pain by discovering what it means to you, and how you can come to terms with the pain without hurting yourself further.

Develop insight through therapy, and be a friend to yourself. You’ve already started towards those goals by writing here. You’ve broken the isolation. Now, see if you can find that therapist who will be here with you tomorrow, when you need to talk about pain again, someone also to be with you to celebrate the shedding of the pain and the discovery of fun. If it takes years to reach this simple goal, then take the time. The years go by anyway, whether you’re trying to be a better friend to yourself or not. I encourage you to make the time pay. It may be a while before you are happy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn and have fun in the meantime. Good luck.

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