My Mother Says That I am the Only Thing That is Worth Living For — I Feel Responsible for Her Happiness

Photo by w00tdew00t - http://flic.kr/p/6cDnxC - For illustration only

Reader’s Question

I am 22 years old, and I recently moved back home for the summer. I live 30 minutes away during the school year, and at home with my single mom during the summer. She’s had a hard childhood and marriage — both her father and husband were mentally and physically abusive. She says that I am the only thing that is worth living for in her life. She has a stressful job and many bills to worry about. I think she is depressed. For instance, today I asked her if she was okay because lately she hasn’t seemed herself, and it escalated to her yelling at me that I don’t care about her and that she doesn’t have anything to live for. She also said I get to live this exciting 22-year-old life and she never gets to have any fun because she has to worry all the time about the house, money, paying for college, etc.

She needs to see a doctor. I’m at the end of my rope because now I’m blaming myself for her unhappiness. If I hadn’t asked we wouldn’t be arguing now. If I tell her to go to the doctor, she’ll say she doesn’t have enough money. What do I do? I started to bawl today and she said “if you’re going to kill yourself, let me know, we’ll do it together.” That killed me. I care about her so much and love her unconditionally, and I am beginning to blame myself for her unhappiness. I’ve said I am sorry so many times today and she said there is nothing I can say or do to help her.

She loves me so much, and knowing that I am the one thing in the world that makes her happy, I have such a pressure on my shoulders to make her happy. So I feel so guilty when she is sad like this.

Psychologist’s Reply

What a horribly sad situation.

First, notice that your apologies don’t go anywhere. They don’t go anywhere the first time you say them, yet you continue to apologize some more. Recognize that she heard you, that if you were at fault, then a single apology would suffice. Repeating yourself does not achieve your goal and only serves to frustrate you and make you feel like your words are empty. Since you are not at fault, at least as far as I can see, then there is nothing you can do, no difference you can reconcile, no behavior you can change that would give your apology validity. It was a good try. It didn’t work. Let the apology go.

I agree with you that your mother sounds depressed. I am concerned for her safety now and also when you graduate. I fear that she will feel that her task is over and she may make a suicide attempt. I don’t say this to alarm you unnecessarily. I only wish you to be prepared for dangerous behaviors at specific life passages such as your graduation. Being prepared means simply being aware of behaviors that may be dangerous — they do not necessarily pose a threat right now.

Talk to a Psychiatrist or Therapist Online
(Please read our important explanation below.)

If she can’t afford to see a doctor, then perhaps she can afford to be your friend. She said something about envying you your 22-year-old life. What part of that life can you share with her? What can you do with her, at the end of a stressful day, that would put you two together, outside of the house, relaxing and not spending too much money? Think about taking her out and making it a routine. Perhaps you two can simply enjoy an evening walk together, or a free concert at a coffee shop or something like that. Your mother may have had a hard life, but that doesn’t mean that she can’t have a good time with you tonight. It’s worth a thought.

You must realize that you do not have the power to make her feel anything. You do not have a wrench that you can use to turn on her depression. Her depression started long before you were in the picture. It may be easier for you to feel at fault than it is to feel helpless to remedy the situation. I appreciate the need to escape helplessness, but the consequences of displacing that into blaming yourself hurts and it doesn’t help. There has to be another way.

I wonder whether your school has a counseling center — if so, perhaps it would be possible for you to get into counseling for yourself. This is clearly a stressful time for you and you may benefit from individual therapy. However, my point is to wonder if you two could go to sessions jointly. It sounds like your mother needs to be heard and understood. She doesn’t need help fixing things — she’s an expert at that. She does need to be heard and understood. Listening to her without trying to fix things for her might be the most helpful thing you can do. If she can’t see a doctor on her own, perhaps she will go to see your doctor with you. It would not be for the purpose of blaming her for your own sadness, but to support you both in having compassion for yourselves and each other. Usually, counseling centers charge little or no fee to students, which would make things much easier for her to accept.

Once you have a safe ‘frame’ in which to discuss your feelings and hers, then don’t be afraid to address them openly. Don’t worry that saying something will make her sad. She’s already sad, so are you. Let the therapist do her work. And be prepared for it to go on for some time. Her depression has lasted these many years; it won’t abate overnight. Having you with her while she faces her own history and struggles will be a great support to her, which will be a great support to you too.

As with many of my suggestions, I need to rely on your own resourcefulness to find local resources to accomplish them and refine them. You’re doing a great job as a caring daughter and student. Your mother has done a great job in getting you both this far. She sounds tired. Getting into joint therapy will likely be a relief. She can talk about taboo subjects, and you can step back into your role of loving daughter and student, and out of the role of her therapist or saviour.

Please read our Important Disclaimer.

All clinical material on this site is peer reviewed by one or more clinical psychologists or other qualified mental health professionals. Originally published by on and last reviewed or updated by Pat Orner Oliver on .

Ask the Psychologist provides direct access to qualified clinical psychologists ready to answer your questions. It is overseen by the same international advisory board of distinguished academic faculty and mental health professionals — with decades of clinical and research experience in the US, UK and Europe — that delivers CounsellingResource.com, providing peer-reviewed mental health information you can trust. Our material is not intended as a substitute for direct consultation with a qualified mental health professional. CounsellingResource.com is accredited by the Health on the Net Foundation.

Copyright © 2024.