I Feel Weird Around People — I Think They’re Looking at Me

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Reader’s Question

I am a 20-year-old female. I have been in this state for a long time. I feel weird around people. I always think people close to me are looking at me. I feel nervous and sometimes have problems in swallowing saliva. I am scared and sometimes can’t look directly into someone’s eyes, especially when I am with boys. I feel very helpless. I really don’t know what do about it.

Psychologist’s Reply

Although you would need a psychological evaluation to be certain, it sounds like you may be suffering from a type of anxiety disorder called Social Anxiety. The most common symptoms of this disorder include fear of social situations in which there may be scrutiny by others, persistent feelings of anxiety caused by social situations, and avoidance of social situations. The good news is that there is help for people suffering from this disorder (or even just some of the symptoms of it).

One very good technique that helps reduce anxiety is called Systematic Desensitization. It is frequently used in treating phobias and has been empirically shown to relieve intense anxiety. You start this exercise by learning relaxation techniques. Types of relaxation techniques include Progressive Muscle Relaxation, deep breathing, and visualization. Activities like yoga and meditation can help as well.

Once you’ve learned how to relax on command, the next step is to rank order feared situations from the least to the most anxiety-provoking. For example, calling a good friend on the phone may cause minimal anxiety (it would be #1) while talking to a boy may cause a lot of anxiety (it would be close to the other end of your list).

When you have your list, take about 30 minutes and imagine yourself in the fearful situations. Start with the first one on your list (this should be the least anxiety-provoking situation) and then do your relaxation technique. Anxiety and relaxation are what’s known as incompatible responses. This means that you cannot feel both at the same time. Consequently, being relaxed while imagining a feared situation allows you to change the way you think about it.

Once you master relaxing while imagining your #1 fearful situation, move on to #2 on your list. Once you’ve mastered #2, continue moving along the list until you’re able to imagine every situation on your list without anxiety. Make sure that you do these exercises in 30-minute increments so you don’t overwhelm yourself.

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When you’re able to effectively manage your anxiety while imagining all of your fearful situations, you can move on to real life situations. Actually put yourself into the #1 situation on your list. For example, complete your relaxation method and then call a friend on the phone. Once you’re able to handle that interaction without anxiety, move on to #2 on your list and do the same thing. The goal of Systematic Desensitization is to become gradually (systematically) desensitized to the triggers that are causing your anxiety. This whole process may take some time to finish but it will be well worth it when you’re able to enjoy parties, dates and other social events without fear.

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