I Was Unfaithful — Wondering What Else the World Offers

Photo by mermay19 - http://flic.kr/p/4jyiem - For illustration only

Reader’s Question

I’ve been unfaithful to my partner of seven years for the last three months.

I am 21 years old and have been having deep, unsettling feelings of missing out on discovering what other people are like and what else the world has to offer. It is by no means just about sexual encounters but that is a big part of it. I’ve been feeling this way for the last year and a half and I’m slowly seeing my thoughts turn into actions.

I had a discussion with my partner and told him everything about how I was feeling — he took it very well and we are working on it. I still love him very much and I can see myself with him. Although my unsettling feelings have subsided greatly after talking to him about it and seeing how supportive he has been, I can’t help but still feel like I need to know what other people are all about, and just have myself to answer to for once in my life. The man I cheated on my partner with is a friend and has been supportive of me as well.

I just want to know if my feelings are normal and if there is any advice I could possibly have to help. I’m feeling very lost about it and so confused.

Psychologist’s Reply

I must first congratulate you for being honest with your partner about how you are feeling. I imagine that must have been a very difficult conversation to have and yet you were brave enough to do it! Being with someone since you were 14 years old is a long time. Adolescence and young adulthood is supposed to be a time of experimentation and discovery. You haven’t really done that yet so it is not surprising that you are feeling like you want to do some of that now.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to see how life is as a single person. It sounds like you need to give yourself that opportunity now or you may regret it. However, in order to do it correctly, you cannot keep doing what you’ve been doing which is essentially having your cake and eating it too. You must make the decision that you need to be single for a while.

Let yourself be free and give your partner his freedom as well. If you two are truly meant to be together, you will be. You need to first discover who you are by yourself and then decide who you want to share your life with. Choosing your partner is a much healthier strategy than being with someone just because you don’t know any different.

I know how scary being alone might seem to you right now but you’ve already demonstrated courage once. You can do it again.

Please read our Important Disclaimer.

All clinical material on this site is peer reviewed by one or more clinical psychologists or other qualified mental health professionals. Originally published by on and last reviewed or updated by Pat Orner Oliver on .

Ask the Psychologist provides direct access to qualified clinical psychologists ready to answer your questions. It is overseen by the same international advisory board of distinguished academic faculty and mental health professionals — with decades of clinical and research experience in the US, UK and Europe — that delivers CounsellingResource.com, providing peer-reviewed mental health information you can trust. Our material is not intended as a substitute for direct consultation with a qualified mental health professional. CounsellingResource.com is accredited by the Health on the Net Foundation.

Copyright © 2024.