Has My Husband Really Recovered from Porn Addiction?

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Reader’s Question

Three times recently I’ve caught my husband watching porn. We’ve been together ten years and just had our fourth child, and I know he loves me. I eventually gave him the green light to watch because I thought it probably keeps husbands from being unfaithful; keeps them from getting bored with the same sexual partner. I was okay with it as long as he didn’t choose it over me. Then I realized he had been choosing it over me. In the last few years I’ve usually been the one to initiate sex, and he’s been sleeping in the lounge instead of in bed. He has confessed to becoming desensitized, as soft porn stopped working and he had to switch to hardcore. In recent years, our sex life was unsatisfying because I needed sleep due to the babies and it seemed to take him forever to finish, so I became frustrated and offended.

He told me he was addicted as a teen but decided never to spend money on it. He said he did it because he was afraid to ask women for what he wanted. Although he says he feels much more comfortable with me than with anyone previously, he is still too shy to ask for what he wants.

After intense discussion, we’ve now invested a lot more in our sex life and my husband is delighted and confident he won’t need to turn to porn any more. If I help him overcome his shyness regarding sex and help him to get what he wants, is it really possible he won’t need porn? He didn’t watch it at all during the first four or five years of our relationship.

I was going to spend two months with the kids in Australia next year seeing family while he remained at home. Is this a recipe for disaster? Is there anything I should or shouldn’t do about it? As a student, he had no access to TV or computer for several years and didn’t seek it out. Would it help if I made it impossible for him to watch at home? But, since he’s gone without porn for long periods before, how can I know when and if he’s finally really over it?

I’m really upset by this and am having difficulty sleeping and eating. At what point do I give up?

Psychologist’s Reply

Your husband could be suffering from a sexual addiction. Although there is no official diagnosis for it, the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (formerly called the National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity) has defined sexual addiction as “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.” Some of the behaviors you listed — continually engaging in the behavior despite negative consequences, neglecting family obligations and the escalation of the behavior in order to achieve the same results — fit with this definition of sexual addiction.

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Sexual addiction can be described as an intimacy disorder. If someone has difficulty being intimate with romantic partners, the sexual experience itself may become frustrating and uncomfortable. As such, sexual experiences that avoid an intimate encounter as far as possible (e.g., pornography, sex with prostitutes) can become more gratifying than sex with a romantic partner. People who are addicted to sex get a sense of euphoria from it (which can explain why they find it difficult to stop). Thus they use sexual activity not only to seek pleasure, but also to avoid unpleasant feelings or external stressors, like work difficulties or interpersonal problems. With the internet making pornography immediately accessible, you can understand why sexually addictive behaviors are being reported in increasing numbers.

I cannot tell you for sure whether or not your husband has a sexual addiction. That is for the two of you and, hopefully, a competent healthcare professional to decide. However, I will point out that not once in your description did you mention whether he wanted to stop the behavior or what steps your husband has taken to deal with this issue. Thus, it may be that you are more upset about this than he is. If that is the case, it’s important for you to realize that one of the most difficult things about dealing with loved ones who have addictive behaviors is recognizing that it is their problem to solve. You cannot change their behavior — especially if they do not want to change.

The upside to realizing that you cannot change your husband’s behavior is that now you have the freedom to concentrate on yourself. Toward that end, I recommend that you maintain good boundaries (decide what behaviors you can and cannot deal with) and live your life the best way you know how. In other words, don’t change your travel plans out of fear over what he’ll do. He either will or he won’t engage in destructive behaviors and there’s not much you can do about it. Returning to your regular eating and sleeping patterns and seeking out support from others who have dealt with the same types of issues are good ways to start paying attention to yourself. Find ways to be happy that don’t depend on him. Developing healthy relational skills, including good self-care and strong boundaries, is a win-win situation for you. If your husband decides that he wants to engage meaningfully with you, then you have the foundation in place for a good life together. If he doesn’t, then you can move forward in a healthy way without him. Either way, you win.

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