I Am Sexually Confused

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Reader’s Question

I am sexually confused. I fantasize about women, enjoy hetero porn and sometimes surprise myself in my ability to get attractive girls’ numbers.

But I never call them. I have never had a proper girlfriend. I don’t think I feel lust toward men. I cannot tell if this is because I’m repressed or deluded or what. I had had trouble performing in the bedroom with women before this and have had since. There were a lot of drugs in the mix at the time but not anymore. I spoke with a psychologist about it and he told me to remain calm and my desires would work themselves out. I tried to force my sexuality’s hand by kissing a guy and seeing what happened. It was weird. Just before Christmas I had a chance with a girl who has known me all the way through this crazy roller coaster, but I backed out when she was there for the taking. I had been thinking about her all the time for two months before Christmas and we have a history. I know she really liked me and I liked her, but I just backed out.

How can I resolve this confusion?

Psychologist’s Reply

It sounds like you are questioning your sexual orientation, i.e. whether you are gay or straight, based on the fact that you have had difficulty approaching and having sexual intercourse with women. I would guess that if you were gay or bisexual, sexual attraction to men would be included in your fantasies or your choice of pornography, at least some of the time. Gay men often notice a lack of sexual interest in women from early on in life. I was not sure what you meant when you described your experience kissing a man as “weird.” But you did not mention an ongoing attraction to men, which would likely be present if you were gay or bisexual. I would add, though, that in many cultures, there is prejudice against homosexuality. Unfortunately, this cultural bias can create barriers for gay men and women who would otherwise acknowledge or express their sexual orientation. You are the only person who can determine this for yourself.

So I hear you asking, if I am attracted to women and can get them to consider dating me, what gets in the way of having sex? You mentioned “trouble performing in the bedroom.” I took this to mean that you had difficulty either obtaining or sustaining an erection, which is called erectile dysfunction. Erectile dysfunction can be caused by physiological factors, so getting a check-up with your doctor may be a first step. Sometimes erectile dysfunction can be a symptom of diabetes, hormone imbalance, liver disease, or kidney problems. You mentioned that there were drugs involved, which can also inhibit sexual responses, depending on what drugs they were. Some prescription medications can also affect erectile function.

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Once physical (or chemical) causes are ruled out, the next step is to investigate psychological causes for the problem. Many men find that they are able to become erect and achieve orgasm by themselves, but expectations of a good “performance” sexually creates enough pressure to inhibit their sexual responses with someone else. For example, if you were worried, nervous, or even pressured, these feelings could have interrupted your body’s typical responses. It is ironic that sometimes a focus on the desire to perform or meet expectations creates the inability to do so. More recently you had an opportunity to have sex with someone who has known you a long time. I wonder whether the fact that she was available and knowledgeable about your past difficulties created a pressured situation as well.

The psychologist who told you to “remain calm” and let it work itself out might have been thinking that anxiety was the culprit. Relaxing is easier said than done sometimes! Exploring causes of anxiety and learning relaxation techniques can be helpful in dealing with worry and anxiety in general. There is a kind of therapy, called sensate-focus therapy, that therapists use with folks who are having difficulty with sex. It is typically done with couples, though, which brings me to another thought.

You mentioned that you have not had a girlfriend before. Sex within a relationship can be very different than sex with an acquaintance, friend, or one-night stand. The benefit of being physically intimate with a partner with whom you have mutual feelings is that it can feel somewhat safer to be vulnerable, to ‘mess up,’ and to have a sense of humor when things do not go well. In addition, it is not a one-time chance that will be lost forever if it does not transpire. A girlfriend (hopefully) will be there to try again later if sex does not happen on a particular occasion. This can also reduce pressure and anxiety.

So, working backward, if sex follows a relationship, and a relationship follows ongoing contact with someone you like, and ongoing contact follows a first date…then here we are at what you mentioned in your question. You can get a number but you do not call. Taking that next step is the hard part, for anyone! Many people do not want to put themselves out there and ask someone to go out due to the unknown, worry about what will happen when on the date, and so on. This is very normal. I wonder what it would be like to focus on getting to know someone (whether it is a man or a woman) to whom you are sexually attracted, slowly? If this seems too challenging, the difficulty of relating to others may be the first problem to solve.

So, in summary, ways to approach this concern might be to make change internally (e.g., find a physical cause, reduce anxiety, explore any pressures or concerns related to sex) or make changes in the external circumstances (e.g., work toward creating intimacy with a partner to set the stage for sex). You have demonstrated openness to seeking help and have obviously been reflecting for some time about this issue. My hope is that either with the help of your psychologist or on your own, you will be able to identify where you might be stuck and move forward.

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