Is My Daughter Ashamed of Her Sexuality?

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Reader’s Question

I am curious to know if it is normal for older teenagers to feel ashamed of their sexuality. My daughter is eighteen years old and has not once brought home a boy friend, or girl friend, for that matter.

I have made it a point since she was very young to assure her that our family will love and accept her no matter what. But she still seems hesitant to share or even act on any romantic impulse, even though she is very open about all other areas of her life.

She is a withdrawn person by nature and has always been introverted, but did experience some anxiety when she was an older child and I began working again. So I am wondering if maybe she is too afraid.

I try to talk to her about these things but she always changes the subject, and I can’t bear to pressure her anymore. Is there something I should be doing for her, or is this issue best left alone? Any information or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Psychologist’s Reply

It seems from your question that you are a parent who has made efforts to be warm, accepting, and thoughtful with your daughter. I commend you for initiating difficult conversations with her and assuring her that she will be loved and accepted no matter who she chooses as a partner.

I am unsure whether you meant that she had not brought home even a platonic friend, or were suggesting that she might bring home a same-sex partner. If your daughter identifies as lesbian, bisexual, queer, questioning, or anything other than heterosexual, she is likely working through what this means for her within a heteronormative culture. No matter what message of acceptance you have demonstrated, the reality is that identifying as anything but heterosexual means that she will likely feel different from peers, family, and what is most frequently portrayed as ‘normal’ on the media. If she is working to gain clarity about or confidence in her own sexual identity, she could be considering what it would mean to her family to acknowledge a potential partner. The decision of whether and when to come out to parents or friends is an intensely important and private choice.

Whether a teen identifies as a member of the LGBTQ community or not, during adolescence fitting in is of paramount importance. It is developmentally normal for your daughter to be concerned with whether the unique aspects of her identity will be accepted by others, including you. Embarrassment about how self or family will appear to peers is typical in adolescence. “What will he or she think?” can be a common worry when considering bringing home a romantic interest to meet family. If she struggles with anxiety, the anticipation of criticism or judgment could be a significant barrier to being free and open about romantic feelings for others. In other words, although she could be ashamed of her sexuality, these are alternative possibilities. Introversion, shyness, embarrassment, anxiety, and the very important consideration of how and when to come out about sexual identity can all create barriers to acting on or discussing romantic feelings, but would not necessarily signal shame about sexuality.

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It sounds as if you have been very direct with her about your values regarding openness and acceptance of who and what she chooses. You can also model acceptance by acknowledging that it is okay to keep romantic feelings or attractions private. It could be a powerful statement for her to hear you say something along the lines of, “I would love for you to feel comfortable sharing with me what you are thinking and feeling about others, who you like, and what is going on with romantic relationships. However, I also respect your right to keep these things private. I want you to know that I’m going to back off, but you can come to me if you ever need to.” At times, permission to do what one is doing (e.g. keeping it private) can open the door to new feelings and behaviors (e.g. sharing). At the very least, your daughter knows that you accept not only whom she chooses, but also her choice to a) wait to pursue intimate relationships, or, b) keep her sexual feelings and relationships to herself.

Another way to approach her would be to share observations about yourself in this process and empathize with what you suspect is happening for her. An example might be, “I’ll admit that I worry about you when it comes to romantic relationships,” or, “I know it might feel as if I’m pushing you in this area.” Even if she does not respond, she will hear you taking responsibility for your own feelings and actions, and attempting to understand hers. Statements like these open up conversations more effectively than questions (e.g. “I’m worried; why haven’t you brought anyone home?”).

As with most things, there is no right or wrong way to proceed with your daughter. Your expressions to her of love, acceptance, and concern have been important and positive messages, I suspect. I am hopeful that it has set the groundwork for your daughter to come to you when she is ready.

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