Afraid to Travel Alone

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Reader’s Question

I had the opportunity recently to go for a job, but they said that I had to do seven days of training in London. From where I live, it is only an hour by train, but there is a problem: I have never traveled on my own before. When I think about going somewhere that is out of the area I know, I feel stressed, my chest tightens and I feel like I want to burst out crying. I feel pathetic because I am nearly 26 and I get scared of something that so many people are used to doing everyday, even at much younger ages.

I fear getting lost and being on my own. I do go out with friends and I have a good social life, but maybe I feel this way because I was “wrapped in cotton wool” as a child. My family never went anywhere or traveled anywhere together. I was kept in until I was around 7 for fear of something happening to me, which, when I was 12, it did: I was sexually attacked in broad daylight. While I feel that hasn’t affected me in my adult life, I wonder if it has some impact without me realizing it. I’m not sure though.

All I know is, I feel ashamed to admit that I can’t travel on my own without someone with me. I also feel insecure admitting this because I think people will judge me, call me lazy and not take how I feel seriously. How can I get over this anxiety?

Psychologist’s Reply

There is nothing shameful or lazy about being afraid to travel on your own. A lot of people share this fear. After all, there is a lot involved in traveling that is stressful. You are in unfamiliar territory and must figure out directions, modes of transportation, and how to deal with people you don’t know.

Although I certainly understand the rationale behind making kids stay inside in order to keep them safe, I don’t think it is a healthy coping skill. Lots of bad things can happen inside the home. Plus, as you’ve discovered, you eventually have to learn to navigate the outside world, so it is best to learn these skills when you’re younger and have more guidance. Moreover, living in fear can be quite miserable.

It could be that your sexual assault has affected you more than you realize, or it could not. If there is no other instance in which the assault affects your ability to function, then I wouldn’t worry about it. As Glasser (the originator of Reality Therapy) once said, it is not necessary to drive all over town searching for the place where you got the nail in your tire in order to fix it. However, if you do see evidence that the trauma you sustained is affecting you, then talking with a trained mental health professional may be helpful.

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Regardless of the reasons behind your fear of travel, the main thing is in working to overcome it. One strategy for managing fear is called systematic desensitization. It is frequently used in treating phobias and has been empirically shown to relieve intense anxiety. You start this exercise by learning relaxation techniques, and then you rank order your feared situations from the least to the most anxiety-provoking. When you have your list, imagine yourself in the least fearful situation and then do your relaxation technique. Once you master relaxing while imagining your #1 fearful situation, move on to #2, and so on until you’re able to imagine every situation on your list without anxiety.

Once you’re able to effectively manage your anxiety while imagining all of your fearful situations, you can move on to real life situations and do the same thing. The goal of systematic desensitization is to become gradually (systematically) desensitized to the triggers that are causing your anxiety. This whole process may take some time to finish, but it will be well worth it when you’re able to travel wherever you want to go without fear. If, however, this doesn’t work, you may want to try talking with a counselor who is trained in working with anxiety.

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